I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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