No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
