A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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