dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
