she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux