Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.