he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
