My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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