Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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