I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
