I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
