Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
