don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dignity is for republicans.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
