I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
