My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
