dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
