i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
