I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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