I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
