woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
this is an emotional support booty call
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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