I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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