After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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