I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
we should paint friendship bongs
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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