She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
