Betty ford says i'm here all night
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
