I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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