Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
