I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
