Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
