I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
