I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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