Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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