just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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