An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
