The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
