You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
