These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
