you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
