and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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