Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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