So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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