thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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