one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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