He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
