don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
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We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
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Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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