I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
