can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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