I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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