A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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