so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
