apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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