If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
