Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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