just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
