dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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