Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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