it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
