come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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