Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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