you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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